| Location | Burnley |
| Age | 0 |
| Cause of Death | Still Birth |
| Date of Birth | 02/11/2007 |
| Date of Death | 02/10/2007 |
| Visitors | 4,367 since 05/11/2007 |
| Creator |
Connor Lewis Barnard
2nd November 2007
0
burnley
your father Justin Barnard
I found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks the earliest time that pregnancy tests work. I couldn't
believe it at first i thought o no this cant be happening to me. However my partner was happy which
made me happy.
I hated being pregnant tho, it didnt agree with me one bit. I was in hospital at 6 weeks with
bleeding my thought was thats it its over but he kept going.
Then at 11 weeks I started buying i couldnt help myself with being on holiday and my grandparents
had already started buying maybe I should have waited but i knew he was going to be a boy no matter
what.
Then came week 15 and I felt him move for the very first time I couldn't believe it, however it
wasnt until 20 weeks that I started to feel something for my son, as I said pregnancy just wasnt me
i felt my life was over until the lady who scaned me said he was a boy I was so happy mostly for
being right, and getting my own way over Justin, but it was everything Id ever wanted.
Then after 20 weeks everything felt like it was going wrong I was in hospital nearly every week
being put on the monitor but nothing was ever wrong which was always a blessing, however it scared
me that he was going to come early and I requested steriods which I was refused. From this stage I
worried all the time that something would happen. However Connor was a strong lad and if didnt like
something he would always tell me by kicking me to death. He hated being in the hospital when I was
a patient but he didnt mind when I was there working. He would kick at the monitor until it can off
him no one was aloud to cramp his personal space, he was know as our lil pain :).
Then everything changed at 36 weeks my grandad in Holland had a heart attack and I was really
worried that I wouldn't be able to go over if anything happened to him. I asked the doctor about an
induction but I didn't push it incase everything turned out to be ok, i wish id pushed it now tho.
Then on Wednesday 31st October I went up to the hospital for a 60th birthday party i had lots of fun
and never thought about the baby when people asked because I was enjoying myself, however when I got
back home I went to the toilet and thought about the baby properly for the first time since Saturday
about his movements. I then thought I havnt felt him move since Sunday morning my mum told me not to
worry it happens when they are getting ready to come out. However my partner thought different and
told me to wake my dad to take me to the hospital and he would meet me there.
I got to the hospital and was there by myself seeming as I still thought it would nothing and had
told my dad to go home. However the midwife came and couldn't find a heartbeat with the monitor and
so she got a doppler and still couldn't find anything at this point I broke down I knew you were
gone my lil boy who i was looking so forward to meeting. Then the two consultants came in a scaned
me they didn't have to tell me Id worked with them long enough to know what the looks on there faces
meant I couldnt believe it I was by myself waiting for Justin who was stuck in traffic but I didnt
want anyone there until he turned up and then I could tell him that our lil boy had died. The
picture on that screen will never go away when there was no sign of life.
After Justin turned up i told him and in a way he'd already guessed but was cut up all the same it
was like being slaped in the face, I asked the midwife to ring my mum when she came I had to then
brak the news to her as well it was the hardest part of my life breaking two peoples hearts in the
space of 30 mins. We were told Id have to come back the next day for tablets to try and start the
labour seeming as the pharmacy was closed I just felt numb because they wouldn't do anything then
and there I wanted them to get him out and try to bring him back to me. However I was told I need
one set of tablets the next day, some the day after and then to be induced on the Saturday.
After having my tablets on the Thursday I just felt sick knowing this was the start of me getting
rid of my baby which I was still treating as tho everything was going to be ok and that it was just
a nightmare.
Then on friday morning I woke up in pain, I was told Id get back ache and stomach pain from the
tablets but I didnt think it would be this bad. At 11am I gave in and went to the hospital, turned
out that I was 5cm dilated and I couldnt believe it. During my labour I had two shots of morphine
within three hours and lots of gas and air.
Lil Connor Lewis arrived at 16:10, I had a nice quick labour, even tho I was still hoping for them
to be wrong and that everything was going to be ok, but it wasnt meant to be. He was 6lb 6oz and it
turned out that the cord was around his neck. He was a beautiful baby and looked every bit like
both of his parents. He would have broken all the girls hearts. I'll never forget that day.
Special Angel Day - by Carmelle Gross
We do not need a special day
To bring you to our minds.
The days we do not think of you
Are very hard to find.
Each morning when we awake
We know that you are gone.
And no one knows the heartache
As we try to carry on.
Our hearts still ache with sadness
And secret tears still flow.
What it meant to lose you
No one will ever know.
Our thoughts are always with you,
Your place no one can fill.
In life we loved you dearly;
In death we love you still.
There will always be a heartache,
And often a silent tear.
But always a precious memory
Of the days when you were here.
If tears would make a staircase,
And heartaches make a lane,
We'd walk the path to heaven
And bring you home again.
We hold you close within our hearts;
And there you will remain,
To walk with us throughout our lives
Until we meet again.
Our family chain is broken now,
And nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one,
The chain will link again.
HAPPY EASTER XXXXX
___♥♥♥
__♥♥_♥♥
_♥♥___♥♥
♥♥____♥♥________♥♥♥♥♥♥
♥♥___♥♥________♥♥_____♥♥
_♥♥__♥♥_______♥___♥♥___♥♥
__♥♥__♥______♥__♥♥__♥___♥♥
___♥♥__♥____♥__♥♥_____♥__♥♥
____♥♥_♥♥__♥♥_♥♥________♥♥
____♥♥___♥♥__♥♥
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__♥_____________♥
_♥_____♥____♥____♥
_♥____/___@___\___♥
_♥____\___/♥\___/___♥
__♥______ W______♥
____♥♥________♥♥
________♥♥♥♥
LOTS OF LOVE XXXXX
A Teddy For You ~xxxxx~
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happy new year.
… … … … … … .$
$ … … … … … $…$
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$$$$$$$$$$$$… Dear … … …$
$$$$$$$$$$$… Friend …$
$$$$$$$$$$… xxxx …$
$$$$$$$$$$$… Happy… …… $
$$$$$$$$$$$$… new Year! …$
$$$$$$$$$$$$$… … … 2009 ……$
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… … … … … … $ LOVE TO YOU AND YOUR ANGEL X
sweetdreams Connor
.................... ...JUST
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.................... .S
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...................L
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_***________JUST____ _____***_
__***_____SENDING___ ___***___
___***______LOVE____ ___***____
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so so sorry
Little Angel
I felt your presence there inside of me,
nestled soft and warm;
Sweet scent of baby's breath,
precious words left unadorned.
I saw your tiny heartbeat,
then I knew that you were fine;
A perfect baby we created,
one that would be mine.
Then that tragic day it came
there was nothing I could do,
Only wait and hope
for the precious life of you.
Yes in the beginning
your daddy was afraid;
Only he would love you unconditional
and never run away.
He loved you more this I do know,
as he cried for you that day,
When the doctor said that you were gone,
daddy wanted you to stay.
He would have held you close to him,
and see your perfect form,
A gift of daddy's love,
would have kept you safe and warm.
Only now you are an angel over me
beautiful and bare,
My heart would hurt if you cried for me
and mommy was not there.
Still we are together in my heart and memories,
You are still a part of my memory.
Rest gentle now 'sweet baby' there is no pain
you are never alone,
I know you are with the guiding angels
in you peaceful home.
I will come with you someday
only now is not my time,
Then we will be together again
again you will be mine.
Just so sorry
All I want to say is I am terribly sorry for your loss, i am a SANDS mommy and have been since August 06. I happened to just be on SANDS, saw one of your posts and wanted to come to Connors site. I also have a site for my son on here and came to look at Connor's. The pain is horrendous, I know it too well , yet we shouldnt have to know this type of grief. No-one should go through this agony. It is early days for you Kim, compared to me but I can remember those early bleak days. I just wanted to offer some kind of comfort and only the sort that other parents who have gone through this can say and truely mean, as we are the ones who know what this is like. I never thought i would live without my son I am not just saying that. i honestly thought I would never ever survive the loss and the pure empitness. Somehow, I dont know, how i did and am still surviving. But I REALLY didn't think I would do it. Its now been almost 20 months. The pain of him not being here is still very very real but I have somehow managed to 'learn' to live without him. I miss him. Want him and need him just as much as the day he left me and I accept that I will feel those emotions for the rest of my life. You will too. Alfonso was full term and as beautiful as your darling perfect Connor. I will never understand why is happens to us. I just wanted to say that through SANDS I am sure you are finding comfort. I did, and 20 months on I still do. So from one mommy to another, you are in my thoughts and my prayers. I sincerely mean that. xx
so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful little boy. He would have been so lucky to have you for his mummy.
xxxxx
Hi your sad expericnce was very like mine, its so unfair words can't describe the emotion that we go thro it just hurts so very much!!
I'm going to light a candle for Connor as well.
Love Vicki
xxxxxxxx
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