| Location | Burnley |
| Age | 0 |
| Cause of Death | Still Birth |
| Date of Birth | 02/11/2007 |
| Date of Death | 02/10/2007 |
| Visitors | 4,385 since 05/11/2007 |
| Creator |
Connor Lewis Barnard
2nd November 2007
0
burnley
your father Justin Barnard
I found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks the earliest time that pregnancy tests work. I couldn't
believe it at first i thought o no this cant be happening to me. However my partner was happy which
made me happy.
I hated being pregnant tho, it didnt agree with me one bit. I was in hospital at 6 weeks with
bleeding my thought was thats it its over but he kept going.
Then at 11 weeks I started buying i couldnt help myself with being on holiday and my grandparents
had already started buying maybe I should have waited but i knew he was going to be a boy no matter
what.
Then came week 15 and I felt him move for the very first time I couldn't believe it, however it
wasnt until 20 weeks that I started to feel something for my son, as I said pregnancy just wasnt me
i felt my life was over until the lady who scaned me said he was a boy I was so happy mostly for
being right, and getting my own way over Justin, but it was everything Id ever wanted.
Then after 20 weeks everything felt like it was going wrong I was in hospital nearly every week
being put on the monitor but nothing was ever wrong which was always a blessing, however it scared
me that he was going to come early and I requested steriods which I was refused. From this stage I
worried all the time that something would happen. However Connor was a strong lad and if didnt like
something he would always tell me by kicking me to death. He hated being in the hospital when I was
a patient but he didnt mind when I was there working. He would kick at the monitor until it can off
him no one was aloud to cramp his personal space, he was know as our lil pain :).
Then everything changed at 36 weeks my grandad in Holland had a heart attack and I was really
worried that I wouldn't be able to go over if anything happened to him. I asked the doctor about an
induction but I didn't push it incase everything turned out to be ok, i wish id pushed it now tho.
Then on Wednesday 31st October I went up to the hospital for a 60th birthday party i had lots of fun
and never thought about the baby when people asked because I was enjoying myself, however when I got
back home I went to the toilet and thought about the baby properly for the first time since Saturday
about his movements. I then thought I havnt felt him move since Sunday morning my mum told me not to
worry it happens when they are getting ready to come out. However my partner thought different and
told me to wake my dad to take me to the hospital and he would meet me there.
I got to the hospital and was there by myself seeming as I still thought it would nothing and had
told my dad to go home. However the midwife came and couldn't find a heartbeat with the monitor and
so she got a doppler and still couldn't find anything at this point I broke down I knew you were
gone my lil boy who i was looking so forward to meeting. Then the two consultants came in a scaned
me they didn't have to tell me Id worked with them long enough to know what the looks on there faces
meant I couldnt believe it I was by myself waiting for Justin who was stuck in traffic but I didnt
want anyone there until he turned up and then I could tell him that our lil boy had died. The
picture on that screen will never go away when there was no sign of life.
After Justin turned up i told him and in a way he'd already guessed but was cut up all the same it
was like being slaped in the face, I asked the midwife to ring my mum when she came I had to then
brak the news to her as well it was the hardest part of my life breaking two peoples hearts in the
space of 30 mins. We were told Id have to come back the next day for tablets to try and start the
labour seeming as the pharmacy was closed I just felt numb because they wouldn't do anything then
and there I wanted them to get him out and try to bring him back to me. However I was told I need
one set of tablets the next day, some the day after and then to be induced on the Saturday.
After having my tablets on the Thursday I just felt sick knowing this was the start of me getting
rid of my baby which I was still treating as tho everything was going to be ok and that it was just
a nightmare.
Then on friday morning I woke up in pain, I was told Id get back ache and stomach pain from the
tablets but I didnt think it would be this bad. At 11am I gave in and went to the hospital, turned
out that I was 5cm dilated and I couldnt believe it. During my labour I had two shots of morphine
within three hours and lots of gas and air.
Lil Connor Lewis arrived at 16:10, I had a nice quick labour, even tho I was still hoping for them
to be wrong and that everything was going to be ok, but it wasnt meant to be. He was 6lb 6oz and it
turned out that the cord was around his neck. He was a beautiful baby and looked every bit like
both of his parents. He would have broken all the girls hearts. I'll never forget that day.
An angel never dies
Don’t let them say I wasn’t born, that something stopped my heart,
I felt each tender squeeze you gave, I loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold, it doesn’t mean I’m gone,
This world was worthy not of me, God chose that I move on,
I know the pain that drowns your soul, what you are forced to face,
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms, someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was “meant to be, God doesn’t make mistakes”
But that won’t soften your worst blow or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do, another child you’ll bear,
Believe me when I say to you, that I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you, when you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips and then you’ll understand.
Although I never breathed your air, or gazed into your eyes,
That doesn’t mean I never “was”…An Angel Never Dies
Memory
I was just beginning to think
that I am so lucky to have you
as my little baby
I was just starting to imagine
the times we will share
after you come into this world
The cries and laughter
the walking and falling
I was about to accept you as
a permanent member in my life
Then all of a sudden
everything changed
You, my little baby, whom I have never seen
and will never get to see
I never know how deeply I love you
until I know you are not meant for me
I will still love you, no matter how
and where you are
and keep you safe
in my memory.
A Kiss
We never stop to measure
Anything we might just miss
But if the wind should blow by softly
You'll feel an Angels Kiss
A Kiss thats sent from Heaven
A Kiss from up above
A Kiss thats very special
From someone that you love
For in your pain and sorrow
A Kiss will help you through
This Kiss is very private
For its meant for only you
So when our hearts are heavy
And filled with tears and pain
And no-one can console you
Remember once again
About the ones you grieve for
Because you sadly miss
And that gentle breeze you took for granted
Was just an Angels Kiss x
little Angel
Dear little connor, too good for this world, you have truly earned your Angel wings. Look down on Mammy and Daddy, they are missing you so much. xx
hunni i am so so so sorry
just wanting to send u lots of hugs. i no we hav already spoke but thught id leave u and yr family a little message on here and light a candle.
im sure hes looking down on u now sweetie xxxxxxxx
god bless little man and sweet dreams xxxxx
Connor
Hi, I just want to express how so sorry i am that you lost Connor. Hes a beautiful little boy :). I lost Maia due to her cord being knotted. Its frustrating and heartbreaking, i know. Its been 1month and 6days since i lost her. Still feels like yesterday, but at the same time, a long time ago. Its only very very soon for you, for both of us. If you ever need to chat at all, just email me or chat on Sands. I hope you have some good days, i have. There have been a few days when ive been able to smile, so i am sure you will too, although it may not feel that way right now. Much love to you and Connor and family and take care Alyssa xxx
If tomorrow starts without me
If tomorrow starts without me,
And I’m not there to see.
If the sun should rise, and find your eyes,
Are filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn’t cry,
The way you did today.
While thinking of the many things, we didn’t get to say.
I know how much you loved me,
As much as I love you.
And every time you think of me, I know you’ll miss me too.
But when tomorrow starts without me,
I hope you’ll understand,
An angel came and called my name and took me by the hand.
She said my place was ready, in heaven up above,
And that I’d have to leave behind, all those I dearly love.
I had so much to live for, so much that I should do,
It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.
I wish I could have said goodbye,
And kissed and seen you smile,
I wish I could have stayed with you even for a little while.
But then I had to realise, that this could never be,
Now emptiness, and memories,
Would take the place of me.
But when I walked through heavens gates,
I felt so much at home,
And then the lord looked down on me, from his golden throne.
He said, “this is for eternity, but I will promise you,
Although your life on earth has passed, here life starts anew”
“I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last,
And since each days the same up here,
There’s no longing for the past”
My loved ones, please don’t grieve for me,
Coz I am truly free,
And I will wait for you to come and share my life with me.
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don’t think we’re far apart,
For every time you think of me,
I’m right here in your heart
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to god today.
I asked what makes a mother, and I know I heard him say.
'A mother has a baby this we know is true.
But god, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?'
'Yes, you can,' he replied with confidence in his voice.
'I give many women babies, when they leave its not their choice.'
'Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.'
'I just don’t understand this god, I want my baby here,'
He took a breath and cleared his throat, and then I saw a tear,
'I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile, or hear your child say:'
'We go on earth to learn our lessons, of love, life and fear.
My mummy loved me so very much: I got to come straight here.'
'I feel so lucky to have a mum, who had so much love for me.
I learnt my lessons very quickly, my mummy set me free.'
'I miss my mummy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow is where I lay.'
'I stroke her hair, I kiss her cheek, I whisper in her ear,
Mummy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.'
'So you see dear sweet one, your children are ok,
Your babies are in my home, and this is where they will stay'
'They’ll wait for you with me, until your lessons are through.
And on the day that you come home. They’ll be at the gates for you.'
'So you see what makes a mother, it’s the feeling in your heart.
It’s the love you had so much of, right from the very start.'
Though some on earth may not realise, until their time is done,
Remember all the love you have, and you know you’re a special
MUM
Sleep tight sweet Angel Connor xxx
All my love to your family xxxx
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